bodoh

i thought i was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel
but boy, how wrong-er could i be
i was just fooling my own self
the "help" that uncle was supposed to give well lets just say it remains there
i am not blaming him though
perhaps, he is busy with his work 
and that sent me back to square one
i need to change back to my previous topic, the one which definitely brings no light at all to my super-long & super-dark tunnel
the one which refuses to make some progress regardless how hard i try
and come to think of it 
u r doing a project.. in which u have to come out with your own ALGORITHM
but u r alone, as in.. a.l.o.n.e with NOBODY to help, nobody at all
my supervisor sux, yes, that's the best word for him
i wrote a super long email telling him what my problems are
and his reply was only 2 sentences? and of course without answering my questions
i am super stressed ok.. i don't even know how to put it in words
sumpah stressed tahap dewa *&^*&^!$%!^&!*(

how am i gonna finish my project if i have no guidance at all
all people keep saying.. try la, sure boleh..
mmg la boleh.. tapi mcm mane nk boleh kn tu kalau tkde orang nk tolong langsung
as in ZERO help
unless i am albert einstein then petik jari je seratus algorithm pn boleh dpt
and i am doing a masters degree not a PHD
even PHD pn ade guidance jugak from the supervisor


setan btul. 
i just need a fucking guidance
just a GUIDANCE for god sake
bukan nye nk suruh siyap kn project aku la babi
mcm mane aku nk buat kalau tkde sape org nk guide.. gampang!
sampai mampus pn aku tkle nk buat mcm tu


i am just plain stupid. i was stupid before and i am stupid-er now.
and definitely will become the stupid-est person on earth in the future.
and why am i so unlucky in every single thing? 
why do everyone succeed in their field and i always be the stupid-est?!
why everything must turn out not the way i want it?
why everything just don't work out for me, regardless how i try
regardless 110% effort i give in what i am doing
why am i just plain stupid?
i know this won't help
even if write it thousand times pun, my project will still not go anywhere
and i will definitely screw my masters degree
pergi mampus la kau dgn 4 flat kepale hatok..  pegi mampus smue.. 

dilemma

Congratulations,

We are pleased to invite you for an assessment for the Executive Training Program (PEP) at T*B.

******

after 4 years of waiting, now they are calling me for an interview, apparently after just 3 weeks i am at a new place. how cow? resignation is either 3-months notice or 3-months salary.. and i am already sick of this place.. yes, it takes me less than a week to hate my job.. i am confused..

my masters project is going nowhere and i am forever stuck.. remember my previous entry about meeting the GM..? well, apparently uncle couldn't help.. mathematics is not his best interest.. "we are engineers, we just make use of the formulas.." correct, why do we have to bother about where on earth that formula comes from right? so, i was back at square one.. but being helpful nonetheless, he suggested another option.. he gave me another topic related to a research he and his staff are working on.. they were about to submit the project to the CEO this march so he asked, why don't i just join the team.. with my experience in pss/e (the software that they use) i can be a great addition to the team.. well, it does sound perfect right.. what more with the interview coming soon.. don't you think it is just like the best stepping stone one could ever have? the stone is right there in front of you and all you need to do is just jump.. with a very little force.. right? cool..

but, with that project.. i am required to be at TNB, bangsar at least one day a week.. for meeting and project report and etc.. uncle is even willing to get me a place of my own.. very kind and very2 helpful of him.. BUT, now come the biggest obstacle.. how do i allocate that one day a week? even though the project will only finish in 8 weeks.. but still, how do i find that time? the head of program @ my boss had already firmly informed me during my interview.. he doesn't want me to mess the working days with my masters project whatever.. he doesn't want me to take leaves or anything regarding my projects.. 

so, now.. i have a conflict of interest.. working or finishing my project? there is no way i am gonna extend my project just because i can't take one-day leave every week for merely 8 weeks.. and to simply let the opportunity slip away by not accepting uncle's offer.. it's like the biggest opportunity ok.. i would be a big dumbass if i reject that one.. 

and if let say, i nail the interview (amin).. the intake will be in march which is 2 months away from now.. if i don't resign now and wait until march to do so, i would have to pay a 3-months salary.. and if i do resign now, and nauzubillah, i fail the interview, then where should i find a new a job? back to being a housewife? sighhh..

which one is more important?
a) finish my masters project.. graduate and apply better job in the future but with no money along the way
b) extend my masters project (till God knows when) but have a steady job?

take your pick..

hmmm..

Allah, again answered my prayers.. Alhamdulillah
He sent an angel to guide me because He knows that I am going through the hardest time of my life at the moment
and the angel is in a form of a friend, yes.. thank you miss ruhaizah
and tomorrow i'll be sitting with the General Manager of TNB System Planning & Development himself

yezza.. i was telling ijah how suffering i am right now and then she mentioned "knape tk mintak tolong ayahanda aku?"
seriously okkay.. uncle yusof has never ever crossed my mind
but then, sedikit ketakutan ye because i am very sure he'll be asking a lot of theoretical and technical questions.. aihhh.. tp redha aje lah.. at least, there IS someone out there to help me and get me outta this mess kn.. 
rather than being alone, blaming myself and not doing anything.. huhu..
looking forward for a fruitful discussion tomorrow.. insyaAllah..
hopefully, i can at least get something ke ape ke kn so i can show to my supervisor next week.. :)
aminnn

drama

i was ok yesterday despite a very2 slow progress of my project
i was stressed, no doubt about it, but i still can take it
even though, i know it is going nowhere but ade la jugak part of me that says i can do it no matter how slow, no matter how hard kn
because i know myself, i am far from being a quitter or else, i won't be where i am today
but then, "something" violently took that spirit away from me
and now i am back to square one
back to the "why-am-i-so-unlucky-bla2 me 
seriously, this is so disheartening ok
like my energy has totally gone down the drain


and u know what is that something?
it's actually a news that one of my masters friend has completed her project and now she only has her thesis to write.. oh my dior! 
sumpah la patah semangat
like tgk ur friends running freely but u r still struggling to crawl
it's a super duper big put-off, seriously.. 


anyway, after i got the news, the next thing i did, was asking as many friends as i can, siape yg nk extend project.. hehe.. at least, i know i am not going to graduate alone nx year.. screw u stupid project.. penat2 aku blajar dpt 3.93 and this is what u give me.. u r so gonna ruin my whole result.. demmitttttt... 

life.. oo life..

life has been ok. after a week i am already getting used to my new routine. wake up at 5.30am and hit the road by 6.10am. breakfast with dear husband and then by 6.55am i am already on my way from tmn jaya to masjid jamek and then change lrt ke jln sultan ismail. after a few minutes of walking dan sessi memanjat jejantas yg amat la tinggi, i arrive at the office around 7.30am with "sweating armpit" and loose knee.. hehe.. work or smenanye more like doing my project like nobody's business.. (i never take lunch because i always make sure i eat heavy breakfast) and then at 6.55pm, walk to lrt station and reach tmn jaya 30 minutes after (much thanx to the new 4-coach train). buy some roti and mineral water and then wait for dear husband until 7.45pm and reach home at 8.15pm. cook dinner, eat, wash dishes, kemas dapur until 9.15pm. gosok baju, mandi,solat and by 10pm i am already too tired. but i can't sleep because i need to allocate at least one hour for my masters project thingy every night.. tp usually by 10.30pm tu i am already somewhere in lalaland. hehehe.

i am out of the house even before the sun rises and come back way after the sun goes down..

and no, i am not complaining.. i am just sharing.. :)

*and i think that's why Allah decides not to create a mini-me just yet..

depression?

i did exactly what my friend told me

i got myself distracted with something else but you see, it's to no avail

the more i distract myself the more time i waste

u see it's already friday today 
and april will be approaching before i knew it

ya Allah.. ......................................

please help me

please give me some guidance and strength

please let me make it through

ya Allah.........................................

...................

i got teary-eyed reading this notes from my friend. uwaaaaa..


***********


yerp, the closer it gets the dead you are. scary but true, tp mmg kene tabahkn hati & kuatkn semangat! you are lucky to hv your husband with you and i'm sure he's doing a good job at making sure your sanity is in check...

I tau we are doing different fields, so mmg xadil if i said i know how u feel, but i'm here to just share you my experience...

when you felt like you're hitting the wall, i.e. gantung diri, suffocating in all those journals, results,analysing data, labwork...) try step back, and do something else skejap just to let your mind off with the project (ntahla, maybe like tgk tv ke, shopping ke, masak ke, movies ke...) make yourself feel better, then sit down and look at what you dh buat, make a list and things you still hv to do...as for me, if i do my work dlm keadaan bengang, penat, pening, geram...mmg xkemananye my work, so i try to make myself happy/better first, then sambung balik....sort of like taking short breaks for yourself.

tp mmg the closer it gets to the finish line, you really just have to hang in there, and what's left in you is your perseverence, how much you need this, as much as you hate this whole process, you have no choice but to get through with this, yes, that's the ugly truth, but once you dh submit, once all of this is over, you can look back and be proud of yourself for you had made it through.

try tell yourself, you made it this far, and you are like so close to finishing all of this, so don't give up! just don't give up! mmg when i did mine, 3 months to go, still got labwork to do, then a month to go, and i felt like i was like a walking zombie! everytime rase nk mcm baik mati je, tp i pk if i stop now, then all of this will be just a waste of time shj & to prove to my supervisor then she's wrong about my capabilities (yerp, i did hd a few dramas with my supervisor), that  kept me going...it wasn't a wonderful ride, but i just hv to keep on going.

sorry la mbebel la pulak, i know maybe you've heard hundreds of the same stories from other ppl, tp happy to know that you are so close to the finishing line...plus, mase nk hantar to pulak, tetibe i rase mcm berkobar2 lak semangat anak melayu...hehe. poyos je kn? =) so, chin up, gurl! you can do this!  

take care,
xxxxxxxx


*****************

what algorithm?

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.

~Conrad Hilton ~

I am currently at the lowest point my life, the lowest point ever there is not even a room to go further down

and if i can plot a graph for what i am feeling right now, it might reach a negative infinity with no sign of stopping

i don't need an encouraging words nor supports from anyone

because words and support won't be able to solve my problem, won't be able to solve my algorithms

why it has to be so fucking hard? 

why it has to be so damn complicated?

fine, i know there is always an answer to everything

but, i am at a deadend

i need a guidance and nobody is giving me that

my supervisor has been everything but helpful

all he keeps saying is.. "usaha sendiri, bace buku bla.. bla.. bla.."

for god sake, i have been reading books and journals and papers

i have downloaded as many papers as i can from the internet

i have been reading thousand times and i have scribbled on thousand papers

but i still don't know how to do it

i am still stuck and it is not even 1% of the whole project

how am i gonna finish everything in 3 bloody months?
i can't even sleep well at night because i know when i wake up i have wasted the day before doing nothing
and every time i open my eyes it brings me closer to april
i wish i can freeze the time but even if i can, there is nothing i can do 
except to just stare blankly at the monitor or at the papers and scribble some crappy equations with an empty mind

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.

.

.

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i need someone like dr. charlie eppes

ketika cinta bertasbih

Bertuturlah cinta
Mengucap satu nama
Seindah goresan sabdamu dalam kitabku
Cinta yang bertasbih
Mengutus Hati ini
Kusandarkan hidup dan matiku padamu

Bisikkan doaku
Dalam butiran tasbih
Kupanjatkan pintaku padamu Maha Cinta
Sudah di ubun-ubun cinta mengusik resah
Tak bisa kupaksa walau hatiku menjerit

Ketika Cinta bertasbih Nadiku berdenyut merdu
Kembang kempis dadaku merangkai butir cinta
Garis tangan tergambar tak bisa aku menentang
Sujud sukur padamu atas segala cinta

other than tercipta untukku, i think this song makes a perfect wedding song too, kan?

pasti sangat sweet & menitiskan air mata.. :)

random

1. tomorrow is my first day at work after two months plus of being a full-time housewife. i am shit scared, no. i am shit nervous? i have 2 weeks before lectures begin and have no idea what subject(s) will i be teaching. aihhhh..

2. i was very sure before that i wanted to be a lecturer.. and Alhamdulillah, Allah made me one.. and today which is apparently a day before i am about to start working, i think i am no longer 100% sure about my decision.. boleh? my classmates were discussing about becoming professional engineers (PE) and most of them are on their way of becoming one.. and me? i am no where close in fact i am drifting away.. i remembered being so ambitious about getting my IR when i first graduated but as time goes by the thought somehow found its way to the back of my mind.. i forgot because i was busy aiming for my doctorate degree.. but NOW, after having so many "roadblocks" in completing my master's final project i would rather not think about furthering my studies, yet.. so in conclusion, i am far from being neither an IR nor a DR.. sighhh..

3. i almost cried in front of my uniten lecturer last week.. i went to see him because i thought he could help me with my final project since my sv is so far away in skudai.. but my mind is so dead i couldn't even understand a word he was saying, i am totally deadmeat, man.. i have less than 3 months to complete my project together with thesis-writing and i haven't even got started.. how worse can it be? 3 semesters with almost a perfect cgpa, i thought my master's journey will be smooth sailing but no.. nothing comes easy, right? 

4. total price ticket to melbourne is rm915 and to perth is RM713.. yayyy.. at least there IS something to cheer me up these days.. 

5. yuna rocks! and i love my husband :)

hello 2010

hope it ain't too late to wish everyone a very happy new year.. :)
my resolution for 2010? to live a debt-free life.. insyaAllah
i have been living creditcard-less for the past one year and i survived
which is a very good achievement considering the fact that i used to have 3 credit cards at a time with more than half credit limit usage each (ughhhh!!)


i welcomed 2010 with a new spirit and a new job!
i have secured myself a job as a lecturer at a private university in kuala lumpur
Alhamdulillah.. Allah answered my prayers
but now i am a little bit nervous because i am afraid i can't be a good one.. huhu
i'm afraid i won't be able to answer my student's questions.. adoii.. mati la.. 

anyway, with that job now my husband and i are planning to go one step further
no, not a baby.. we are still trying (though not very hard.. hahahaha.. :p)
we want to have a house of our own but with the ever-increasing price finding one is not easy
so, anyone who reads this and know any of 2-storey house perhaps 22x80 or maybe 20x70 at a convenient location, please let me know okkay?
price below rm350k.. thaaaaank you..