bodoh

i thought i was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel
but boy, how wrong-er could i be
i was just fooling my own self
the "help" that uncle was supposed to give well lets just say it remains there
i am not blaming him though
perhaps, he is busy with his work 
and that sent me back to square one
i need to change back to my previous topic, the one which definitely brings no light at all to my super-long & super-dark tunnel
the one which refuses to make some progress regardless how hard i try
and come to think of it 
u r doing a project.. in which u have to come out with your own ALGORITHM
but u r alone, as in.. a.l.o.n.e with NOBODY to help, nobody at all
my supervisor sux, yes, that's the best word for him
i wrote a super long email telling him what my problems are
and his reply was only 2 sentences? and of course without answering my questions
i am super stressed ok.. i don't even know how to put it in words
sumpah stressed tahap dewa *&^*&^!$%!^&!*(

how am i gonna finish my project if i have no guidance at all
all people keep saying.. try la, sure boleh..
mmg la boleh.. tapi mcm mane nk boleh kn tu kalau tkde orang nk tolong langsung
as in ZERO help
unless i am albert einstein then petik jari je seratus algorithm pn boleh dpt
and i am doing a masters degree not a PHD
even PHD pn ade guidance jugak from the supervisor


setan btul. 
i just need a fucking guidance
just a GUIDANCE for god sake
bukan nye nk suruh siyap kn project aku la babi
mcm mane aku nk buat kalau tkde sape org nk guide.. gampang!
sampai mampus pn aku tkle nk buat mcm tu


i am just plain stupid. i was stupid before and i am stupid-er now.
and definitely will become the stupid-est person on earth in the future.
and why am i so unlucky in every single thing? 
why do everyone succeed in their field and i always be the stupid-est?!
why everything must turn out not the way i want it?
why everything just don't work out for me, regardless how i try
regardless 110% effort i give in what i am doing
why am i just plain stupid?
i know this won't help
even if write it thousand times pun, my project will still not go anywhere
and i will definitely screw my masters degree
pergi mampus la kau dgn 4 flat kepale hatok..  pegi mampus smue.. 

dilemma

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******

after 4 years of waiting, now they are calling me for an interview, apparently after just 3 weeks i am at a new place. how cow? resignation is either 3-months notice or 3-months salary.. and i am already sick of this place.. yes, it takes me less than a week to hate my job.. i am confused..

my masters project is going nowhere and i am forever stuck.. remember my previous entry about meeting the GM..? well, apparently uncle couldn't help.. mathematics is not his best interest.. "we are engineers, we just make use of the formulas.." correct, why do we have to bother about where on earth that formula comes from right? so, i was back at square one.. but being helpful nonetheless, he suggested another option.. he gave me another topic related to a research he and his staff are working on.. they were about to submit the project to the CEO this march so he asked, why don't i just join the team.. with my experience in pss/e (the software that they use) i can be a great addition to the team.. well, it does sound perfect right.. what more with the interview coming soon.. don't you think it is just like the best stepping stone one could ever have? the stone is right there in front of you and all you need to do is just jump.. with a very little force.. right? cool..

but, with that project.. i am required to be at TNB, bangsar at least one day a week.. for meeting and project report and etc.. uncle is even willing to get me a place of my own.. very kind and very2 helpful of him.. BUT, now come the biggest obstacle.. how do i allocate that one day a week? even though the project will only finish in 8 weeks.. but still, how do i find that time? the head of program @ my boss had already firmly informed me during my interview.. he doesn't want me to mess the working days with my masters project whatever.. he doesn't want me to take leaves or anything regarding my projects.. 

so, now.. i have a conflict of interest.. working or finishing my project? there is no way i am gonna extend my project just because i can't take one-day leave every week for merely 8 weeks.. and to simply let the opportunity slip away by not accepting uncle's offer.. it's like the biggest opportunity ok.. i would be a big dumbass if i reject that one.. 

and if let say, i nail the interview (amin).. the intake will be in march which is 2 months away from now.. if i don't resign now and wait until march to do so, i would have to pay a 3-months salary.. and if i do resign now, and nauzubillah, i fail the interview, then where should i find a new a job? back to being a housewife? sighhh..

which one is more important?
a) finish my masters project.. graduate and apply better job in the future but with no money along the way
b) extend my masters project (till God knows when) but have a steady job?

take your pick..

hmmm..

Allah, again answered my prayers.. Alhamdulillah
He sent an angel to guide me because He knows that I am going through the hardest time of my life at the moment
and the angel is in a form of a friend, yes.. thank you miss ruhaizah
and tomorrow i'll be sitting with the General Manager of TNB System Planning & Development himself

yezza.. i was telling ijah how suffering i am right now and then she mentioned "knape tk mintak tolong ayahanda aku?"
seriously okkay.. uncle yusof has never ever crossed my mind
but then, sedikit ketakutan ye because i am very sure he'll be asking a lot of theoretical and technical questions.. aihhh.. tp redha aje lah.. at least, there IS someone out there to help me and get me outta this mess kn.. 
rather than being alone, blaming myself and not doing anything.. huhu..
looking forward for a fruitful discussion tomorrow.. insyaAllah..
hopefully, i can at least get something ke ape ke kn so i can show to my supervisor next week.. :)
aminnn

drama

i was ok yesterday despite a very2 slow progress of my project
i was stressed, no doubt about it, but i still can take it
even though, i know it is going nowhere but ade la jugak part of me that says i can do it no matter how slow, no matter how hard kn
because i know myself, i am far from being a quitter or else, i won't be where i am today
but then, "something" violently took that spirit away from me
and now i am back to square one
back to the "why-am-i-so-unlucky-bla2 me 
seriously, this is so disheartening ok
like my energy has totally gone down the drain


and u know what is that something?
it's actually a news that one of my masters friend has completed her project and now she only has her thesis to write.. oh my dior! 
sumpah la patah semangat
like tgk ur friends running freely but u r still struggling to crawl
it's a super duper big put-off, seriously.. 


anyway, after i got the news, the next thing i did, was asking as many friends as i can, siape yg nk extend project.. hehe.. at least, i know i am not going to graduate alone nx year.. screw u stupid project.. penat2 aku blajar dpt 3.93 and this is what u give me.. u r so gonna ruin my whole result.. demmitttttt... 

life.. oo life..

life has been ok. after a week i am already getting used to my new routine. wake up at 5.30am and hit the road by 6.10am. breakfast with dear husband and then by 6.55am i am already on my way from tmn jaya to masjid jamek and then change lrt ke jln sultan ismail. after a few minutes of walking dan sessi memanjat jejantas yg amat la tinggi, i arrive at the office around 7.30am with "sweating armpit" and loose knee.. hehe.. work or smenanye more like doing my project like nobody's business.. (i never take lunch because i always make sure i eat heavy breakfast) and then at 6.55pm, walk to lrt station and reach tmn jaya 30 minutes after (much thanx to the new 4-coach train). buy some roti and mineral water and then wait for dear husband until 7.45pm and reach home at 8.15pm. cook dinner, eat, wash dishes, kemas dapur until 9.15pm. gosok baju, mandi,solat and by 10pm i am already too tired. but i can't sleep because i need to allocate at least one hour for my masters project thingy every night.. tp usually by 10.30pm tu i am already somewhere in lalaland. hehehe.

i am out of the house even before the sun rises and come back way after the sun goes down..

and no, i am not complaining.. i am just sharing.. :)

*and i think that's why Allah decides not to create a mini-me just yet..