a long one..

yay.. raya leave has been approved meaning i have only 2 more working days before i am off to kampung halaman on monday night.. i can't wait for the day to come a bit faster not because of hari raya but because i am too lazy to drag my heavy ass to the office.. i am looking forward for the holiday not the celebration because to me personally raya is just.. another ordinary day.. maybe a little extra ordinary with the solat sunat, food etc.. but what i'm trying to say is that honestly i don't fancy hari raya since i don't know when.. perhaps after arwah wan left us and most of my cousins (yours truly included) settled down and have their own family.. so like, no more family gathering the night before raya at wan's house, no more masak lemang & rendang beramai2, tour wajib to the last pasar ramadhan a day before raya with cousins or melantak sup tulang tgh mlm, main mercun.. or sebenarnye bunga api je (itu pn one of my pakcik dh bising bahaye etc2..), and bersesak2 carik port untuk tido and many2 more.. those memories are definitely will be missed because things have totally changed these days..

raya is no more meriah.. especially this year.. what more with husband only coming back on the first day of syawal so there will be just me and mom at home.. totally nothing to look forward to.. bought two boxes of f!r3crack3rs but i am not sure whether i will even be opening the box.. mungkin sedekah kt anak2 jiran je nnt itu pn if they are around and tk balik kg..

the only thing that i am looking forward to is perhaps the fooooood! since i doubt i can celebrate hari raya haji as my EDD is on 20th nov.. so, this is the time to jolap all the dagingggggssss rendang, lemang, nasi impit.. u name it.. and with the bulging tummy i will not have to worry perut buncit sbb kekenyangan ke ape.. yay!!! sedap nye lemang panas yg lembik2 sket tu mkn dgn rendang ayam/daging.. and mom's nasi impit dgn kuah kacang yg pedas tu mkn skali dgn rendang.. :D

anyway, off to another topic.. my 7 months check up will be this saturday.. i am scheduled to have that tetanus injection wutever it is.. i personally requested to have it eventho the doctor mentioned nothing during the last visit but now i have a second thot because i don't like the after effect.. org ckp tgn kebas la, extra lesu la, etc2.. it's ramadhan and i am already a little extra lesu and what with the injection nnt jadi super lesu.. ishhh.. but then, y do i have to listen to what others cakap2 kn..

.....!

sumthing is definitely bothering me
but i won't tell a thing here because nobody will understand
and even if they do, they might interpret it wrongly

as much as i want to let it out, i can't, i just can't
i have many hearts to take care of
but i don't know how much longer can i survive
it's getting heavier to carry each passing day

dear Allah, please give me strength :(

i am not that strong..

this has got nothing to do with an increased level of estrogen or any pregnancy related whatsoeva but honestly i can't look at this kinda picture without tears streaming down my face.. no joke!

i can look at disabled people on the street begging or kids without any feeling (sound so mean, ouch..!) but not warga emas.. a big no no..

it started way back when i was a first former in high school.. we had this kinda visit to the old folks home in seremban.. it was my first ever visit to such place (and the last.. huhu) and boy, i just kept crying almost all the time while i was there which was a pretty bad thing u see.. because these nenek/atuk dh mmg obviously sedih, stressed and what not and supposedly i (and the rest) were there to at least cheer them up and kept them companied but my presence just added to their misery.. dok menanges meleleh air mate mase salam and visit derg atas katil.. *omg, sumpah nanges igt balik those moment*

so, i told myself.. i am not being selfish but i can't let myself go through such thing again.. i mean, simply put.. i am not strong..! i cannot be there and pretend that i am happy tho deep down inside i really want to make them happy by at least making the suasana meriah.. because i know, they all miss their kids (yg kurang hajar pegi antar mak bapak ke rumah org tua) and the least we can do is to let them know that they are people that actually care for them.. but no, i won't do that.. all i can do is doa dari jauh because as i said, i am not strong enough to face them.. i am seriously not..

p/s: this will be the third raya without arwah wan around.. that means.. it's been 3 years plus wan had left us.. Al-fatihah.. semoga roh arwah wan di tempatkn di kalangan org yg beriman.. Amin..

kerisauan melampau..

i'll be officially 7 months pregnant come this monday which means i have less than 3 months to go.. bunyi mcm lame tp sbenarnye skejap ajo.. i can't even believe i am already this far tup2 dh nk enter the 3rd trimester..

btw, seperti biase i have nothing to do at the office.. (i don't have any specific task yet, cume assisting here and there, attend meeting and what not..) so today i spent half the day blog-hopping bace pasal BF which apparently the one thing that i seriously worry about.. as if, sangat2 risau to a point my friend pn dh bosan re-assuring me that things will be ok.. huhu..

anyway, i am soooo very very very very determined to fully breastfeed my baby at least for 2 years (seperti yg tertules dlm Quran, if i am not mistaken).. tp lagi lame lagi bagus.. and i have nothing against those who tk BF but i am afraid if they start giving bad comments.. or worse discourage me from BFing.. i've read a lot about this dlm blog pasal other people experience and this seriously scares the s**t outta me.. i am afraid i won't be as tough as they are.. huwaaaaaa..

pic googled

but lucky thing, i am gonna berpantang at my mom's house so i don't think it'll be much prob to BF cume i ain't sure how far my mom supports this.. but i've dropped hints that i want to fully BF and told mom many times about my plan on buying the breastpump etc just so she knows how determined and serious i am in this.. and i hope she will be my biggest supporter aside from hubster.. sbb i know, during the first 2 months la is the most crucial time for BFing mommy.. kalau dh terfail mase tu mmg chances to fail utk selame - lamenye mmg cerah.. huhu.. seriously la.. fikir pasal problem2 ni je dh cukup buat rase gluk2 ok.. sumpah la sangat risauuuuuu.. :((

pic googled

ya Allah, semoga Kau permudahkn segalanya.. amin..

btw, anyone knows where can i get monavie at a slightly cheaper price? :)

iWant..

Lencho

Baby Tama

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www.thelilcaliph.com


i want.. i want.. i want..
but not for me..
for my baby..
cute giler kn? especially hada..